The Sharp Knife of a One-Way Love
by The Alpha Gay
Summary: "- Don't you fucking dare tell me it's okay. It's not okay. I love you and you're telling me to let you die?" "You... love me?" / Jearmin slash
1. Jean's Acting Weird

Armin watched as Jean kept walking into the horizon. He wasn't sure what happened, but something about the man seemed off lately. He wouldn't talk to Armin and when he did the blond was left with an empty feeling because of the way he was treated. Something was definitely wrong and it bugged him not knowing what it was. Sure, there was always that failed thing he had with Mikasa, but why would that be so crippling now? And why would that mean treating Armin like he did? It didn't make sense and, as a theoretician, Armin needed to know the details so he could figure it out.

The blond jogged until he finally caught up with Jean. "We're not supposed to be out here," he pointed out. Camp was getting farther behind them, and that meant they were only walking farther into Titan territory. Both had their gear - they weren't stupid enough to leave without it, no matter the circumstances - but that didn't _really_ mean much. It didn't mean they were in any less danger.

But this was important. Whatever was getting Jean down, it seemed big and Armin was worried. Probably more worried than he should have been, but that was irrelevant. All he cared about was getting the guy back on his feet. They were a team, and a team doesn't function properly if even one part isn't working like it's supposed to, and considering he didn't seem to be able to concentrate so well...

"It was too crowded in there for me. I need air," Jean finally spoke up, not looking up to Armin and instead keeping his eyes glued to the grass beneath them. He trusted the shorter kid to look out for any Titans, not to mention that they'd probably hear any coming, so he felt worryingly safe, considering the kid was his only defense outside of himself and when it came to the field Armin wasn't nearly as good as he was with his brain. But that was still okay, because they needed that too.

Armin pouted slightly. "You've been acting weird lately. I'm worried..." It was strange. Jean was better than him. Jean could protect himself. Worrying about him seemed pointless. Of course, some could argue worrying about Eren was pointless... It didn't matter, because worrying was his specialty. Not the best thing to specialize in, but what could he do? He had too much heart.

"Look, buddy, I appreciate the thought, but there's no need to - _fuck_!" There were footsteps seemingly coming from nowhere. Loud, fast, getting louder... The boys hopped into the trees, swords at the ready as they waited. And then they saw it. Seven meter, creepy looking, vicious. They'd seen worse, of course, but Jean was distracted and Armin was too busy worrying about him to focus properly. Still, there were two options from here.

One, hang around in the trees awhile to see if the thing backs off. Pros: they wouldn't have to fight, they'd have time to get past some of the awkwardness, trees can be relaxing. Cons: more might gather, the thing might not back off, they could be screwed.

Two, they could kill it now and make a run for it. Pros: they'd get it over with, they'd get back to camp before the sun started poking through, there wouldn't be much time for more to appear. Cons: they could get hurt fighting, they'd use some of the gas in their gear, they could be screwed.

Either way, the results might not be desirable, but Armin quickly made a decision and looked over at Jean. They nodded at each other, fingers tightening around the handles of their blades. Armin was holding on tight enough that his knuckles were a ghost white, whereas Jean's anger was mostly being relayed through his eyes. He jumped sooner than Armin expected, the blond freezing in momentary surprise.

It wasn't until a loud _thunk_ echoed that Armin moved. The kid quickly jumped down towards the Titan. Jean was suspended on a tree branch, halfway looking like he was about to fall. There was blood, even visible form where Armin was hanging around the thing's shoulder, and he was under the assumption Jean had been swatted into the tree. It wasn't him to slip up like that. Jean was careful, fast. This wasn't him; something was definitely wrong and it was starting to get even more worrying. Anything that would take him out of his mind so much had to be horrible.

Armin swiftly swung down and easily cut deep into the Titan's sweet spot. It fell like a domino, and the blond's attention was immediately returned to his friend. "Good one Armin," Jean mumbled, barely audible as Armin got to where he was. "You got it." He seemed almost proud and managed to lift a hand to Armin's shoulder, but he didn't look to be in good condition, not by far.

"You're bleeding..." It was the understatement of the century. Jean's leg had been pierced by a branch, probably broke his nose when he was hit, and Armin wouldn't be surprised if he had a concussion given the force with which he was thrown against the tree. "You should have been more careful..."

Jean simply managed a small smile and playfully ruffled the blond's hair before his arm fell limply back to his side. He didn't even seem to notice the kid sit him up against the trunk of the tree, nor did he notice the hands pressed tight to his upper thigh, where the bleeding was coming from. If the potential of dying wasn't so bad, it'd almost be romantic. "It's just a scratch," he managed, demeanor appearing to have changed dramatically. Maybe this was what he wanted, to get torn to shreds by a Titan. But why?

Had Jean given up? What could Armin do to get him back in his head? Could he do _anything_? "The sun's coming up... More are gonna come if we don't hurry." He was trying to get the taller kid on his feet, but Jean seemed set on staying put.

"_Go_, then," he ordered. Armin was confused. He couldn't go anywhere, not without making sure Jean was right there along the way ."You're strong... You can do this." And it hit him. Jean didn't want to go back. This thing may not have started off as a suicide mission, but he sure didn't seem to have much he was holding on for.

"No... No, Jean, you're gonna be fine," Armin insisted. This whole 'leave me behind' crap wasn't going to fly. It was stupid. Never leave a man behind. Armin had seen too many people get eaten and now he was able to save Jean. He had every intention of doing so whether the older teen let him do so willingly or not. "It-it's not that bad, really, we can... we can fix you up..."

Somehow, Jean's hand ended up entangled with Armin's, their fingers entangled like if either let go they'd die... and, given the circumstances, they just might. "Don't hold on too tight. I'd hate to see you hurt because of me." Armin frowned, subconsciously tightening his grip on Jean's hand, his other still damming the blood.

"I'm not giving you up, and I'm definitely not leaving you here like this." They're both stubborn and they both had a pretty strong opinion. Jean was fine with being left there. He'd either figure a way back or die trying. Armin was stuck on them both getting out of there, even if trying to carry Jean would slow him down. He was determined. They were both going back alive.

Jean just looked at his friend with regret and sorrow flooding his eyes. "It's okay. You can go. Better you live than we both die." The option was out there, no taking it back. Something in the back of Jean's mind pleaded for Armin to disagree, to stay until the end, but he doubted the validity of that. Armin seemed to have a crush on Eren or something. There was no way Jean, of all people, was significant to him in the slightest... right?

"I _said_ I'm not leaving you," Armin said adamantly, leaving little room for argument - though that didn't mean Jean couldn't try. And he did.

"And _I_ said to save yourself."

"I can't. I can't leave you here. You'll bleed to death." Somehow, they ended up leaning in towards each other, as if begging each other to just _do_ it. Their faces were mere inches from each other, both were red as a tomato, though neither seemed to notice.

"I'm not scared of dying anymore. It's -"

"- Don't you fucking _dare_ tell me it's okay. It's _not_ okay. I love you and you're telling me to let you _die_?"

Jean was shocked. Completely and utterly shocked. Had he heard that right? Was Armin just saying that because he was upset? Those were real tears in his eyes and he was real close, but could that mean... what about Eren? "You... love me?"


	2. Armin's Distracted

**Oh my god, you are all fantastic. I honestly didn't know what to expect when I posted chapter one, but I'm glad you guys seemed to have liked it! This is my first time really writing and I'm new to the fandom, so thank you all for the warm welcome!  
**

**For a show about eating people, the fans (that I've met) are pretty cool.**

* * *

A silence stretched between them. Jean had never seen Armin lose his temper like that. In fact, he wasn't sure it ever happened. Though, their jobs _were_ stressful and the thought of losing a comrade was crippling. But who ever said anything about love? Sure, they were like family, but _love_? Jean was pretty sure he loved Armin, that wasn't the issue. The problem was that he wasn't sure how serious the blond was. Had it just been the heat of the moment, a slip of the tongue? The silence was excruciatingly deafening and he was losing his mind.

Still, even through the quiet, Armin never let go of Jean's hand. Never even let up on the wound at all. He just looked scared to death and Jean was afraid to say anything about it. What if he said the wrong thing? What if everything Armin just said didn't mean as much as it seemed and the kid just... left? No, he wouldn't let that happen. The silence was fine - better than being alone, at least. He would rather be dead than alone.

So he let the silence take over.

Jean wasn't sure how long they said nothing, but he was getting lightheaded. The bleeding in his leg had stopped, though Armin had yet to let go, and the sun was shining across the plain. Everyone would be worried if they didn't get back soon, but Jean couldn't bring himself to care because maybe this thing wasn't so one-sided after all. Maybe they'd be okay. Maybe...

Someone's heavy sigh broke the silence and honestly he wasn't sure which of them did it. He was too out of his head still to really register much. But there was a blood. All over him, dried to his legs and staining his clothes. It was on Armin too, though mostly just the kid's hands from trying to stop the bleeding. Really, Jean was pretty sure they should have gotten him back so he could be tended to by now, but Armin looked terrified. Like his whole world had suddenly fallen down.

It was weird to think that. If anything, Jean should be the one in shock, right? And yet the taller boy found himself finally reaching out with his free hand and gently brushing Armin's hair out of his face. "I lo-"

"- No!" Armin interjected, almost looking distraught all of a sudden. "Don't say it, not now. You-you hit your head pretty hard, you're not thinking straight..." He panicked. They both knew Jean meant it, even if Armin was a bit reluctant to accept it. (Because when do good things ever happen to _him_?) "We should get back, we can clean you up there..."

Jean shook his head and his fingers fell from Armin's golden locks to his chin. He forced the kid to look up at him. "You're thinking too much." Normally thinking was a good thing, but this was _over_ thinking it. He was fine, it'd be ridiculous to assume otherwise, even with the hole in his leg. "... Will you believe me when I'm all fixed up?" There was a pause, but relief washed over Jean when Armin nodded. He smiled back. "Then let's get back before the team gets worried."

"Right. I'm sorry, we should have -" Armin was cut off by a finger to his lips. What was this? Hadn't Jean practically been in love with Mikasa not long ago? How did the man get from Mikasa to _him_, of all people? He was the weakest in the group, not useful in most cases. Sure he was good with strategies, but Armin was completely convinced he was expendable.

Jean's smile grew grimmer as he stared at his friend. "Stop apologizing," he insisted. He was a big boy. If he needed to get home so bad, he would have said so earlier, but Armin seemed to need the quiet as much as he did. "Now, you want to get me home before we get attacked again, or are we waiting for a challenge?" he teased, successfully earning a small attempt at a smile.

"You're a mess," Armin mumbled and carefully stood up on the branch. He was careful with his balance as he held a hand out to Jean, who took it only to throw his arm over the kid's shoulders and essentially use him as a crutch. Armin didn't seem to care, and the sudden blush that crept upon the blond said a lot about the situation.

They jumped.

Maneuvering was difficult with the two of them like that and the fact that the trees were sparse where they were going. Or, at the very least, not layered as thickly, but they soldiered through it. That was their job, right? Never give up, never surrender?

And that part was easy, considering they had somehow managed not to run into another Titan. They could hear the distant footsteps, the pang of a bass sound against the ground as the monsters ran around. And really, Jean was infuriated. After all those _things_ have done to humanity, after what they did to Trost, they still got to run around like they own the world?

The Titans practically _did_ run the world, of course, but that was no excuse. He wanted to be rid of them. All those people killed trying to exterminate them... all the lives lost pointlessly... for this? He hated it and it somehow became his mission to die useful at the very least. Doing all this work only to die and get nothing accomplished from his sacrifice? The thought made him nauseous.

It wasn't exactly that Jean wanted to die a hero, or some legend who would live on, immortalized in these stories and epics... He just didn't want to be the other extreme - the person that only got in the way, the one that did nothing. He supposed that's how everyone started to feel after facing the Titans, though. Self-doubt didn't seem uncommon in the military.

But self-doubt lead to mistakes, to unnecessary deaths...

It was all stupid - _all of it _- and no one would ever convince him otherwise.

And before he knew it? They were actually back at camp. Jean wasn't sure how it happened or how long it had taken, he'd been lost in thought most of the time, but the sun was higher in the sky and the team looked pissed. However, that wore off after the moment of realization. A wall of '_what happened_' and '_what the fuck did you do_' hit him and he groaned.

"I've always wanted to explore the world outside the walls," Armin cut in, "so I thought it'd be fine if I went on a walk and -" It wasn't like the kid to break the rules like that. They all knew it. Soldier or not, it was definitely more likely Jean that started it. He could see it in their eyes, so Jean just forced a rough-looking smile and shook his head.

"It was me," he interjected. "I got adventurous, Armin followed me." The story was much more believable, though the two still got a few interesting looks. "He even saved my ass. Speaking of which, can we get inside?" Everyone nodded and helped Armin drag the kid inside.

Levi and the gang dealt with Jean and the recovery while Eren stared at Armin. That was it, he just stared as if he expected the blond to just start talking. He didn't want to. He couldn't stop staring at the blood on his hands. If he had done anything differently, if he hadn't followed Jean, if he had been less careful...

There were too many ifs. What happened happened, at least they were both back alive. That was a plus side to all this, right? Maybe Jean didn't love him, so what? They were stills pals. He sighed, wiping his hands on his pants as if it'd get the already dried blood off of them. It didn't faze him in the slightest when it didn't, and he just shot his friend a mangled smile. "Can I go... sleep?"

It was the middle of the morning. He'd been out with Jean longer than he should have been. It had taken them too long to get back. He was worn out, exhausted both physically and mentally. Armin was sure he could curl up in a ball and sleep for a week and not regret it. And Eren nodded, so he left.

The bed was cold, unwelcoming, but Armin didn't care. He sunk into the mattress all the same, tightly coiling the blanket around himself. But he couldn't sleep. Even with how tired he was, his brain was too active. Was Jean going to be okay? Should he have really let the team take care of him? Should he have doctored Jean himself? He was the one who'd been there, after all. Suddenly, none of his decisions made sense. He was an abyss of self-doubt and second guessing.

Armin tossed and turned for forever and didn't manage to sleep until lunchtime, and he wasn't entirely sure why the team didn't tell him to get his ass out of bed, but he was glad they didn't.


End file.
